Happenings

I'm not going to lie to you.  Re-entry from our vacation was...well, a bit of a shock.  However, now that I am settled and things are back to normal (if there is such a thing around here),  I am plowing along, day by day, busy with our usual activities and with some unusual ones as well.  It follows, then, that this will be a rambling post about this and that since so many things are happening in our family these days.

The kids are doing all kinds of things to keep themselves busy.  Joey just got his letterman's jacket and we are so proud of him!  This totally biased mom thinks he looks great, especially when pictured with his beaming dad sporting his own now-ancient jacket. Two generations of football, more to come I hope.  I particularly like Joey's choice for the back of his jacket:  "Saint Michael the Archangel, Defend us in Battle".  He is rarely home as he goes to school at 6:15 for off-season football conditioning and stays until 5:30 for track practice.  He is a sprinter as you may recall and is trying hurdles for the first time--I hear he's good and can't wait for his first meet.

In stark contrast, Lindsey, too, has realized her life's dream, as she finally has the hammock she has been wanting for some time.  Jay and I brought it back from Costa Rica for her in her very favorite color.  She is spending lots of time there reading and listening to music despite the still-wintery weather.  She cantors often for school masses and I love to hear her sweet voice.  She constantly amuses me with her lovable quirkiness.

Sam just returned from his first "Snow Camping" adventure with his Boy Scout troop.  Here he is with all his gear, ready for his two mile hike in fresh powder at midnight.  Not surprisingly, when asked how it was, his reply was, "Cold."  Even so, he had a great time at the Klondike Derby shooting snow cannons (what the heck is a snow cannon anyway?!) and competing with other troops in all sorts of snowy events.  He, unlike Joey, decided to continue on from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts and is really enjoying all the activities his very busy troop provides for him to do. He is also playing basketball for the first time for Sacred Heart and loves it.  Not being a basketball family, we are not sure where this came from, but we are happy for him!

Julia continues with her gymnastics and is a pleasure to watch.  She will be competing new routines in some upcoming meets and I am looking forward to seeing how she has grown in her sport since the fall.  Bella has begun taking gym classes too and is catching on quickly.  I hope it isn't the end of her cheer career as she is such a great little cheerleader.  However, gymnastics stole Julia from cheer and it may snatch Bella away as well.  Bella will be turning six on Friday.

Toothless, Tiger Scout Tony is VERY BUSY playing Minecraft.  This is a building game and I am absolutely stunned at the complicated and creative worlds he has created.  Of course, I am thinking he is a budding architect and am happy to have at least one career decided upon for my children.  Six more to go...

Natalie is my constant companion and a continual joy.  I am treasuring this last year and a half of having her at home.  I will be lost when she goes to school.  (But maybe I'll get over it somehow.)

As for me, I fell off a ladder last week and banged my head pretty hard on the corner of a table on my way down.  Luckily, I had a brain scan scheduled a few days later anyway, and the bump was on the opposite side of my Omaya, so we were able to see pretty quickly that all was well.  Nonetheless, it hurt quite a bit and slowed me down considerably for a few days.  I will be avoiding ladders from now on.

About that brain scan:  Remarkably, I remain stable.  Still have two metastatic spots, still not growing, shrinking or changing.  Though I would prefer "clear" I am pretty happy with "stable".  Chalk up another two months for me, hurray!  God is good.

Finally, Jay and I are excited to be doing something totally out of the ordinary for us.  We are going to the Costume Designer Guild Awards in Beverly Hills on Tuesday.  My friend from high school, now a successful business owner, runs this show (among many other things) every year and she sent us tickets out of the blue for fun.  I have a gown to wear (great sale at Macy's!) and Jay has his tux all ready to go.  We are like little kids playing dress up...and maybe we'll even see some movie stars!  Fun, fun fun.

This is starting to feel like the Christmas letter I never wrote...so I'll close with that.  Rest assured that, though much time passes between posts at times, that I am well.  Thanks for reading.

Greetings from Costa Rica!

Costa Rica was not on my list of places to visit. Yet, here we are and I have no idea why it wasn't! This place is beyond amazing. It is lush like Kauai (my favorite place on earth) with a rainbow of bright flowers and birds of every color and size. We are staying in a beautiful hotel with a very close view of the volcano Arenal and geothermal hot springs feeding into little pools all down the hill by our room. Every few hours when it is just starting to feel a little warm, it dumps rain for about five minutes and then the blue sky shines through again. This is truly paradise.

I am finding this country, a republic, to be very well run and efficient. I see the poverty of the tin roofed-cardboard sided clusters of shelters but I also see a refined and welcoming people, busy in their various industries and kind to Americans (not always the case as we are collectively known as obnoxious and entitled travelers in many places I have been). 

We are here, along with roughly 90 others, as guests of one of the founders of Vivisimo, the company for which Jay has worked for five years. Vivisimo was recently sold to IBM and a lot of money was made in the deal. Our benefactor set aside a percent of his earnings and offered this complete 6-day vacation to all of the employees that made the company the gem that attracted IBM. See, chivalry is not dead everywhere!

Today we went on a river tour where we saw howler monkeys, white-faced monkeys, turtles, both the two and the three-toed sloth, and lots of caiman (a variety of gator/crocodile that I had never heard of before today).  We had a delicious "typical lunch" of black beans, rice and chicken with fresh pineapple ripened to the peak of sweetness in a nearby field.  I learned that Costa Rica exports sugar, teakwood, oranges and pineapples, from this side of the country.  Who knows what else we will find when we move to the other side in a few days.

Tomorrow we plan to go to mass in a little church on the town square in La Fortuna and then go zip lining, hurrying back, naturally, to watch the 49ers win the Super Bowl.  I am so happy I am here with my wonderful husband, and I am confident that my kids are being well-cared for by people who love them at home.  There are a few pretty cute kids on this trip and I am flipping between relief that mine are not here and sadness that they aren't. I'm pretty sure the relief is going to win out, though.  At least for awhile, anyway!

Our river boat ride took us very close to the border of Nicaragua and we saw boats of people who commute down the river to work in Costa Rica and return to their homes in Nicaragua.  Our guide told us the unemployment rate in Nicaragua is 50%, far higher than that in Costa Rica.

Here are some pictures Jay took today--ain't technology great?

My initial amazement at our accommodations:

The "Jesus Christ Lizard" named so for its ability to walk on water:

Howler Monkeys swinging through the trees alongside the river:

Bird drying its wings in the sun after a fishing trip:

Rather large iguana:

Caiman regulating his body temperature...unsure why mouth is required to be open during the process:

The view from the sitting area in our room:

We are most certainly lucky ducks.

A Question from Natalie

"Why am I last?" mourned Natalie about her position in the family.

"That's the way God planned it," I answered.

"Well, then.  Why can't I be God?" she demanded.

Why not?!  That was a question I had never myself considered.  A question only Natalie could ask.  I tried to give her a good answer, really I did.  But how can I explain in preschool terms the everlasting nature of God, how he created her out of love to be exactly the person she is supposed to be?  At 7am, I just stuttered unintelligently   By the time I had an idea of what I was going to say, she was gone, off to the next thing.

Apparently, we have quite a bit of catechism and apologetics still to get through...for both of us!

Op Ed: Share Bears

Since I have a blog, I have this great opportunity to express my opinion about anything I want, even something so ridiculous that you will likely stop reading by the second paragraph.  However, as this has been a constant irritation to me for years with no end in sight (although the end is getting closer), I thought I'd subject you all to my opinion on the subject of....drum roll please...shared stuffed animals.

What is this, you ask?  It is a teddy bear or a puppy or anything cute that goes home with your child who is in a preschool class, a daisy troop or other organized group for young children.  It usually comes in a backpack with a binder and a few accessories, and your child brings it home for a weekend or a week or whatever period of time is appropriate for the organization.

As the "lucky" recipient of the coveted backpack, you get to take pictures with your "friend" and put together a collage and commentary on what you did together and how much fun you had sharing this special time together.  You add your page to the binder when you return the friend and the backpack, and then it goes to the next child.

Don't get me wrong, I am not heartless.  I think it is a sweet idea that could unite a group in a fun way. Nor do I have any heebee geebies about sanitary issues and the sharing of germs between houses.  For goodness sake, I have seven children and a big stinky dog, not to mention the cat and the turtles, so I already live in a menagerie of germs, no matter how often we disinfect.  (Tangent...it must be true that the more you let your kids play in the dirt the healthier their immune systems become as my kids are rarely sick, thanks be to God.)

However, as soon as I see one of those backpacks coming home with one of my kids, my stress level goes sky high.  Why?  Because I become responsible for keeping that friend out of the dogs mouth, away from the swimming pool, and away from food of all kinds.  I have to keep track of any accessories that came with it and live in a constant state of terror that we are going to lose or break something.  The kids, completely delighted with their special friend, carry it all over the place and I have to trail behind them like the guy behind the elephants at the circus to be sure we don't spoil it for the other kids.  This is no small task and I am constantly on guard the entire time the friend is visiting.

As a bonus, I get to look at all the nice pages other parents did for their children while I frantically snap some photos the last day we have the friend, sometimes making the child change clothes so it appears that we did it all along instead of all at once at the end.  Then I have to caption these photos in a way that makes the whole visit seem like it was a little taste of heaven.

No, I am not a fan of the share bears.  But, I endure what I must for the delight of my children.  Sigh.

(If you are still reading, I commend you and thank you--it feels great to get that off my chest.)

Making Memories

We have changed the way we are doing things around here lately.

We have a history of buying things to celebrate our kids achievements (i.e. some silly little not-too-expensive thing they have been wanting).  What happens is that they love their little thing for awhile and then it takes its place in the junk pile before a month has passed and off it goes to Goodwill.  We have come to understand that this is not a good way to teach our kids to live the spirit of poverty, nor is it good to feed their natural tendency towards consumerism.  Yet, we still want to celebrate our family when they do something special or particularly good, so what to do?

It was Jay's spiritual director that made it clear for us.  "Make memories," he said.  Rather than buying a new pair of gloves or a giant gummy bear or some magnetic men or a nerf gun, he explained, we should channel those resources instead into making memories that will last a lifetime for the whole family.  This is especially true given my precarious and unpredictable health situation.  In theory, this should bring our family closer together and help us detach from "stuff" and learn rather to appreciate each other for who we are and truly celebrate together the accomplishments of the individuals.

We have been doing this for awhile now, and so far we are quite happy with the results.  It is not perfect (we still sometimes give in on the "stuff" but less than we used to), but the truth is that we can really see better relationships developing between our children.

We rarely go out to eat at real restaurants and we hardly ever go as a family to a movie.  The boys love to snowboard but rarely go.  The girls are always asking to go ice skating but we don't.  When there are so many children, any normal outing such as the zoo costs a fortune and it has always seemed more economical to celebrate the individual with something small than doing anything with the entire family.  We are learning, however, that economy is not always the most important thing (though it certainly not cannot be ignored).  But when you stop buying a lot of little things, you find you have more to work with!

As a result, in recent months, we have made a point to do more and worry less.  One day we had lunch and went underground bowling at Bex after church.  I played pool with the boys and had so much fun!  Over break we took the boys snowboarding at Squaw Valley (they had never seen any ski resort bigger than Mountain High) and the girls (and Tony) finally went ice skating.  We saw a couple of movies (Wreck it Ralph and Les Miserables) and we have been out to several meals.  Not ordering drinks makes it much more affordable for us (and healthier too as the kids want soda).

Even our Christmas present strategy changed this year.  Santa brought one present for the whole family (a Wii u) and each kid got a game to share with the family.  This has brought our kids out of their bedrooms and back into the family room as we had hoped.  One of the games is Jeopardy and we have so much fun playing together.  Another is Just Dance 4, something we can all play and enjoy that has exercise benefits as well.

As the kids are getting older (we only have three years left with Joey!) we are wanting more together time.  They are naturally separating due to their ages but we are doing our best to bring them back together.  Thanks to Jay's frequent travel, he has a lot (and I mean really a lot) of air miles and hotel ponts.  We use those only for the family, for trips together to places most families of nine cannot go.  This is our reward for all the time Jay spends away from us working.  Like most people, finances are tight for us but we are learning that when God sends a little extra our way, we are supposed to use some of it for making memories.

Making memories doesn't always have to cost money.  Sometimes a family dog walk in the desert can be more valuable than anything.  Family prayer as many nights as we can keeps us in tune with one another and with God, and we are working on finding a larger dining table that does not double as a homework table so we can eat dinner together at a table most nights (football season exempted since the boys and cheerleaders get home at crazy hours).  It is in these things that we are connecting, in these things that we are gluing tight our family bonds.

I pray they stick forever and ever.

Eeeeooowwww!

As you know, I can take a decent amount in the pain and suffering department.  What happened to me at the dentist today, however, was off the charts.  I cried like a little baby.

For several months now, I have had what I thought at first was a very long lasting mouth sore.  Except it wasn't sore.  It was kind of like a hole with hard edges.  Naturally, after awhile I started thinking about mouth cancer.  I made my regular cleaning appointment a little sooner than usual to have it checked out.

To my surprise, the hygienist,  after scraping around it with that fun pointy tool of hers, declared it to be a bone.  I had grown a bone spur on the upper inner quadrant above my last molar that actually poked a hole through my gum.  What?!  Who does this sort of thing happen to?!  I've never even heard of such a thing.  But leave it to me to be groundbreaking in a wide variety of medical fields.

Just at that time we were changing our dental plan to a better one that actually covers these sorts of things, so I decided to wait at least until our new insurance kicked in to see if it was going to go away.  It was my plan that it would go away on its own and I wouldn't have to deal with it ever.  Good plan, right?

While on our mini vacation this past week, I came down with a throbbing toothache right between two crowns in my upper left quadrant.  I had by then become so accustomed to my own decision not to deal with the bone spur (and plus, I could no longer feel the bone so I was convinced it was on the mend) that it didn't even occur to me that it might be related.  Sadly, I resigned myself to one or possibly two root canals, two new crowns or even (gasp!) a bridge, cursing the family teeth the whole way.  As it turned out, any of those things might have been more pleasant than what actually happened.

When I arrived at the dentist this afternoon I told him where I hurt and pointed out the original "mouth sore" to show him how the bone was no longer showing through.  After painfully prodding the entire area he informed me that it wasn't closed up, just swollen over.  Uh oh.

I had developed an infected abscess behind my back molar that was radiating pain through the entire quadrant.  Gum surgery, he announced, was in order right away.  He happened to have an opening in his normally packed schedule, so he said enthusiastically, "Wanna do it now?"  Oh, boy.  No notice.  No time to search for information/read horror stories on the internet.  Just like that?

I weighed my options for about 30 seconds.  I like and trust my dentist.  I am sure he was not suggesting something I did not need.  If I left, it would only get worse and I'd have to do it anyway.  The kids are still out of school, there's not too much going on the rest of this week, our new and improved dental insurance is in place, Jay is home, so I couldn't really find a reason not to.  "OK," I agreed.

"It won't be too bad," he cheerfully mentioned as he began gathering his tools.  I looked immediately at his assistant who looked guilty and said, when questioned by my terrified eyes, "It is going to be tender for awhile after, but you won't feel the actual procedure."

She was right on both counts.  He jammed so much Novocain into my upper left jaw that I thought I would never feel anything again.  Six, seven or who knows how many shots later, even my throat was turning numb from the run off and I felt as if I couldn't swallow.  My heart started racing (as it usually does when I receive Novocain but I had forgotten that detail), my body started shaking uncontrollably and I had a genuine panic attack.  I made them sit me up so I could breath through it.  Both the dentist and his assistant waited it out patiently as apparently this is a fairly common reaction to large amounts of Novocain.  Sure enough it passed in less than a minute and they talked me through it gently, but it really rattled my cage.  Far worse was this than the head stabilizing cage of the brain cancer patient in terms of claustrophobia.

What came next I could not feel, but could hear and imagine.  It began with his assistant asking which tools he would be needing, and his answer was, "All of them."  Really?

From what I could gather, he cut my gum in a horseshoe shape around both sides and behind the three last molars on the top left.  You know, right where my gag reflex is.  He is very lucky I did not throw up on him because I wretched pretty severely half a dozen times or so during the procedure   Good thing I didn't have lunch before I went.

He peeled back what he referred to as "the flaps" and got busy shaving and grinding the bumps off my bones on both sides (prophylactic as I had many such small spurs) and thinning the surrounding tissue (why, I don't exactly know).

When the assistant was suctioning the area near the original hole, her vacuum got clogged by a piece of bone that had come off my jaw and was just hanging out in the gum.  I was so fascinated by this that I made her give me the bone piece in a zip lock bag (yes, she thought it was weird, but who cares?).  This was not a bone he shaved, it was already off when he opened me up.  No wonder it hurt so much.

Next, he cleaned out the infection (I won't disgust you with the details) and then sewed me up.  Stitch after stich after stich, the dangling thread ticking my nose and face as it dragged along.  Finally, he packed me with a silly putty type substance to hold the stitches together, cleaned the blood off my face and told me he'd see me in a week.  I didn't feel anything except pressure during the whole procedure.  Even his initial shots were painless as he is particularly good about jiggling and pushing the Novocaine slowly so you don't feel it.  My kids go to him too and not one has ever realized that he has ever given them a shot of any kind.  It is a total bonus to truly like your dentist, the tour guide of such painful and scary adventures.

Normally when I get a cavity filled I wait for hours and hours for the Novocaine to wear off so I can eat normally without biting a hole in my cheek.  It drags on and on.  Of course that was not the case this time.  By the time I was a few blocks from home I was wondering what the heck happened to the numbness as I could feel everything as if I'd never had any medication at all.

The word "pain" does not describe it adequately.  The only time I can ever remember hurting more (and remember, folks, that I have birthed seven babies under a variety of conditions) was when I suffered a severe wrist fracture from the air bag that opened to save my life when we were in a car accident in 2006.  It took a pharmacy (and thank goodness I happen to have one--cancer bonus!), a creative and experienced pharmacist (me), and nearly four hours to get my pain under control.  Now I am in maintenance mode and feeling like a human being again, but boy what a ride.

Most of you probably stopped reading this long ago out of disgust or sheer boredom, but for those of you still with me, thanks for sticking it out.  It was such a refreshing break from cancer blather that I really couldn't help chronicling every detail.  I feel oddly happy to have some other kind of news to share.

My dentist's post-surgical instructions remind me that the worst pain will likely peak 36 hours after the procedure. So don't call me on Saturday as I probably won't be in a very good mood.

Happy New Year!  And thank the good Lord for decent dental benefits (if there is such a thing).  We changed our plan in the nick of time, which I know was no accident.

Oh, and by the way, after a careful review of the situation, I can now see that I don't REALLY think a root canal and new crowns would be preferable to this.  After all, this is over now...I hope!  That whole root canal and crown thing goes on for weeks.  I guess in retrospect I can admit that this was the better source of the pain.  See, writing this blog is better than counseling for me!

Seriously?

I have a cold.  I have had it for a few weeks now and I am ready for it to go away.  It stole my singing and speaking voice over Christmas so I had to skip singing with my choir at our annual Christmas concert and midnight mass.  If that wasn't insult enough, I completely lost credibility as an authority figure where my children were concerned, as all I could do was squeak pathetically at them when they were being less than angelic.

But tonight brought the diamond in the tiara.  Bella asked me to sing her a lullaby  as she often does, when I tucked her in.  My voice is just starting to come back and I was thrilled when I realized I could carry a recognizable tune.  Bella, however, was not impressed.  She stopped me half way through and told my that my voice was not so good and could I please try another song.  

I have sunk to a new low.  Sigh.

Don't Think He Misses Us

We are on a much needed mini-vacation so our dog Trooper is staying with friends of ours.  If you look up the definition of friendship you will find this:  people willing to house your gigantic, stinky, drooling, sensitive-stomached Mastiff while you are away.

I received this photo today and can safely say the dog is not suffering in our absence.  He's as happy as he gets when someone is willing to lay on the floor with him and cuddle.

If you know me you know that I am not the dog's biggest fan within our household.  Don't get me wrong, I love the dog, but you wouldn't know it by observation.  I don't pet him often, never get down on the floor with him...at best I give him a rub with my foot.  Why?  Because he really is disgusting and I spend most of my life nauseous.  But when he is freshly bathed (as he was when we handed him over) and looking so sweet and furry, I can't help but miss him.

Thank you, Briana and Jason, for loving our dog!

Stable

It's a good thing, really!

Yes, of course I wanted to see a perfectly clean brain with no spots at all.  Yet, my biggest fear was that there would be half a dozen or more new spots growing or that the one that was recently treated was still growing unfettered.  The news I got is in the middle of these two extremes and I'll take it gratefully.

I am showing three metastatic spots, all previously seen, one recently treated that has not grown or changed and the other two too small to need any attention at this point.  My brain radiologist was happy with what he saw and says he will see me again after my next scan in early February.  I have at very least two more peaceful months, so what is not to be happy about?  As they say on the breast cancer boards, I get to have a dance with the stable boy!

I am adjusting to my new medication regime which is, overall, much better.  Every other week I take Xeloda and feel sick and tired for that week.  During the "off" week I am feeling better than I have literally in years, because my doctor reduced my dose of Tykerb (daily oral) to accomodate the side effects that come with the Xeloda.  I had no idea how much of my general malaise was due to the dose of Tykerb I was taking until it was reduced.  I am also finally off my two daily injections of Lovinox, so I am taking less medicine overall and feeling nearly normal during my off week.  I had forgotten, truly, what it feels like to feel good for days at a time.

As usual, God has blessed me richly, and I am reminded that no news really is good news.  Thanks for all your prayers!

Happy Birthday, Baby!

Not a baby any more, I'm afraid, but always the baby of the family.  Happy fourth birthday Natalie!

We celebrated at Magic Mountain today (Lindsey happened to be participating in a cheer competition where her team took home first and second place trophies in the two divisions in which they competed...GO REBELS!) and we will have a more traditional party tomorrow with cake and a jumper and a few of her little compadres.

I simply can't believe Natalie is four, although at the same time she has seemed far older than she is for some time now.  She is very articulate for her age and has a well developed sense of humor that keeps us all laughing.  She is smart as a whip, independent and competent, and as stubborn as they come.  She is so sweet and cute and loving that I mostly ignore the stubborn part, because it is impossible to stay mad at her for more than a minute.  She has us all wrapped around her little finger and I can't imagine life without her.  I feel so blessed to be healthy enough right now to give her all the attention the youngest of seven can get and am savoring this last year and a half with her before she goes off to Kindergarten.  

Happy birthday Natalie.  I love you with all my heart!

Happy Cancerversary to Me!

And many more...

Yes, it's true.  Today marks three years since my diagnosis.  Three years of ups and downs, of worry and relief, a true physical and emotional roller coaster.  I know I am very blessed to be here to note this date and thank you all again who have prayed so tirelessly for me and supported me in every way for three years now.  One day at a time will hopefully collectively bring me three more years times 10 or more.  One can hope!

Along with noting this milestone, I would like to report on just one of many reasons I am determined to continue logging these anniversaries year after year...

Today Natalie and Bella were being particularly challenging and I wasn't feeling 100% up to dealing with it all.  As we pulled into the garage after a very long drive home from the gym I told them that they had behaved very naughtily.  From the backseat, a cheerful voice said, "Natalie?!  That's my FAVORITE word!"

Leave all of this?  No way.

Latest Scan News

First of all, I did not forget about Halloween pictures!  I will post some as soon as my tech-savvy husband returns from his business trip and can show me how to put the pictures we took with my still- newish fancy camera on my ultra-light computer that does not have a card reader slot.

In the meantime, I thought I would share the news from my most recent PET/CT scan.  This is a scan that does not include the brain (I will have a brain MRI in 4 weeks) but rather goes neck to knees.  It is checking for progression in soft tissue organs such as lungs and liver, and also quantifies activity in those ever present and pesky bone lesions.

The good news:  liver and lungs remain clear.

The not-as-good news:  several new bone mets have popped up with intense activity and some old ones continue to fester.  In other words, my current treatment is not as effective as we would like it to be on my bone mets.  Therefore, we need to make some changes to ensure that my bones don't weaken to the point of spontaneous fractures, and that the cancer stays put and doesn't seed to the currently healthy soft tissue organs.

So what is next on the medication merry-go-round?  Xeloda.  An oral chemo (a real chemo this time) taken twice daily one week on and one week off.  This drug is often used in combination with Tykerb, which I have been taking for some time now, and should make my systemic treatment more effective.  It will not, however, offer any benefit for my brain.

The side effects are mostly already familiar to me...fatigue, nausea, loss of appetite, etc. but there is a new one to add to the bunch.  Many people who take Xeloda develop a hand/foot condition that seriously irritates and sometimes blisters the soles of the feet and the palms of the hands.  This happens to people in differing intensities, so I am praying for a light case of THAT.  But if it stretches out my time with my kids, it is all worth it.

But what a shame I won't be able to do dishes anymore!  Happily, our wonderful helper Teresa has agreed to come another day and we now have her M-F, so I should be able to avoid drowning in dirty dishes and laundry while preserving my poor palms.  Hope I can still type!

So, that's the latest from cancer central.  Nothing too terrible (relatively speaking of course) but one more thing to add to my cross.  For my friend who keeps telling me that God is purifying me through all of this, I can only remain grateful for that and hope that I am nearing squeaky clean!

A MasterCard Moment

Here is a picture of  the former paint and color scheme of Natalie and Bella's bedroom (which used to be Tony and Sam's).   They did not like it (obviously), so the state of affairs became such that they both have been sleeping  in our room every night.  The floor of our room has been constantly littered with small bodies and all the bedding and dolls and stuffed animals that come with them.   Something had to be done...

2 Gallons of Primer and a Gallon of "Sweet Baby Girl" Pink Paint:    $75.00
Walmart's Finest Hello Kitty Bedding for two, plus Curtains:     $120.00

Two little girls blissfully asleep in their own beds for the very first time:  Priceless!

Year of Faith

Any Catholic who has been to church recently (and I'm most certain that is all of you!) has heard about the Year of Faith that was declared by Pope Benedict XVI on October 11.  This year is an opportunity for Catholics to participate in a New Evangelization of our faith and, really, to get to know our very rich faith anew.  It is a time to "rediscover" Christ and to be inspired to share our faith with others.

In this spirit, I thought I'd share a few links that you might find interesting as I encourage you to really try to live, along with me, this year of Faith.  First is the the Official Site of the Year of Faith.  This site has it all...a summary of what the Year of Faith is, answers to frequently asked questions, the official Pontifical Declaration and suggestions for activities you can do as an individual or as a parish to make the most of this year.

One of the things we can do this year is to simply read the Catechism.  It contains everything there is to know about our faith and why we do what we do.  Follow this link to subscribe to an email that will send you a small portion of the Catechism to read each day.  If you are faithful to this you will have read the entire Catechism in a year.  Even if you are not Catholic and are interested in learning more about the Catholic faith in a low-pressure way, this is a great way to do that.

Finally, I highly recommend attending some method of faith formation during this year.  For me, this means continuing my formation and spiritual direction with Opus Dei.  There are Opus Dei centers all over the world and all (most) host monthly Evenings of Recollections that offer this formation.  Visit Opus Dei's Website or email me directly if you need help finding a center near you.

Most parishes will be having extra speakers and multiple evening series on different aspects of the faith.  If you can spare the time, go to them.  Especially go if you CAN'T spare the time!

It is easy for us all, who are so busy, to mostly ignore something so esoteric as a "Year of Faith", but if you take a few minutes to think about it and read about it, it could very well be the best year of your life!

At Least He Has A Career Goal

Sam, out of the blue tonight when he was working on his homework and I ridiculously assumed that his mind was on his work:  "How hot is an iron?"

Me:  "Really, really hot.  If you brush your arm against it your skin will blister."

Sam: "When I'm an evil overlord, that is going to be my torture weapon of choice."

So, my son may not have his mind on his homework, but instead he is busily attending to the details of his future career goal at the tender age of 11...what could make a mother prouder?

For All Who Are Wondering...

My targeted brain radiation went well today (who could imagine writing such a ridiculous sentence?!).

Nevertheless, I am happy to report that I am feeling more or less normal (though exceptionally tired) and was able to conduct my activities fairly normally today.  I expect, if whole brain radiation is any indication, that I will dip worse in the fatigue department before feeling better again, so I am prepared for that. But who knows, maybe I'll get lucky!

The doctor was pleased with how it went, and now we wait. And wait. And wait.  We wait 2 or 3 months until I have a brain MRI to see if it worked.  He gives it an 80-90% chance of success.  I think he does not account for prayer in that statistic.

Lying perfectly still on a very hard table with a Jason-like mask smashing my face into place and a bite plate screwed into the face mask was not what I would call pleasant, but luckily I am not claustrophobic, and I was able to control my gag reflex by breathing through my nose and praying during the entire procedure.  I was bound like that for about 30 minutes.  When they finally released me from the screws I had a mask pattern ground into my facial skin that lasted an hour or so and exaggerated mouth sores where the bite plate dug into my gums, but since I have never felt so happy as when I was finally able to scratch my nose and eye that had been itching all during the procedure, I hardly noticed or cared.

I am ever grateful for this day and each day I glean from what I did today, grateful for my family, grateful for modern medicine, grateful for friends and grateful for blog readers who become virtual friends!

But I'm no foolish Pollyanna.  I don't want cancer, I don't want any more brain radiation, and I want this all to stop.  Enough now!  Please?!

The "Keeping You Posted" Post

I saw my new doctor today and liked him very much.  He has a very different manner than my last radiation oncologist, a bit lighter and not so serious, which I personally prefer.  Plus, he had good coffee in his office.

Although, truth be told, I wouldn't much care if the doctor had the personality of a bed post as long as he or she really, really knows their stuff, but I really don't appreciate arrogant doctors and am delighted to have an excellent, positive energetic doctor who has nary a trace of that "I'm a brain surgeon" swagger.

Anyway, he took lots of time with us in an office rather than an exam room (another touch I appreciate) to explain our options.  He showed us the 3D image of the tumor and where exactly it is sitting.  It is deep inside the brain and as so is inoperable.  So it basically boiled down to two choices:  zap it now or watch and see what it does.  Everyone is so miffed by that last disappearing tumor back in March that there is almost a "let's wait and see" feel.  However, it is growing so quickly (actually already 1.3 cm by his measurements in 3D, not just across one plain that showed the 7mm) that he suggested we get it before it gets any bigger.  This has grown in under three months, since my last brain MRI in June showed no trace of it.  My last doctor would not treat over a centimeter, but this doctor is willing to.

The concern with treating a larger tumor, I learned today, is that while they can be very precise with the intense radiation dose and where it goes, there is a halo of much less intense radiation that will circle the tumor, often leading over time to brain tissue necrosis in the area.  The bigger the original tumor, the greater the halo and the more damage done to the brain.  They are finding, as people with brain mets are living longer and longer, that this incidence is much higher than they had originally thought.  But I still prefer to have more years with my kids than perfectly preserved brain tissue.  They'll still love me if I'm a dummy.  (At least they'd better!)

Today right after our get acquainted appointment, the office staff made my mask (you remember, the one that bolts you to the table and makes an excellent Halloween souvenir at the end) and something new to me...a bite plate that screws my jaw down with my mask so I can't move even the teeniest fraction of a millimeter.  Warning:  if you are claustrophobic or have a serious gag reflex, don't get cancer in your brain!  I was fighting my own mild gag reflex all day.  Breath through the nose, breath through the nose, don't let your tongue touch the intruder in your mouth. etc., etc.

So, net net, I am all set for a single mega dose of radiation on Tuesday.  No decadron (yippee, yahoo!), a thirty minute procedure, and then we wait months to see what it does.  My doctor believes I have a 80-90% chance of a complete response.  I am praying for better odds than that, but I'll take what I can get.

There you have it, up to the minute.  It's in God's hands now...always has been.

Here We Go Again

Results from yesterday's brain MRI were not what I had hoped they would be...but they were not as bad as they could have been either.

I have a new tumor on my brain measuring 7mm.   It is located on the margin of the left lateral ventricular and appears to be a regrowth of one of the original lesions.

No, this is not good news.  And, no, I am not totally surprised, as I knew, statistically, that this was eventually a virtual certainty, and that I have been very fortunate to go a year with no regrowth.  Nonetheless, I was becoming pretty convinced by clear scan after clear scan that I was going to be Don Alvaro's miracle, a dream I am not planning on giving up no matter what the medical evidence says.

And it could have been much worse.  If I had a lesion measuring more than a centimeter, or if I had more than six lesions, according to my previous radiation oncologist I would not be treatable, so I am actually counting my blessings that this is at least something we can attack.

I am seeing a new doctor tomorrow, a brain-specific radiation oncologist, and we will decide what to do about this pesky growth. I have no idea what is coming down the road for me in terms of treatment.  Could be gamma knife radiation, could be chemo, could be craniotomy, I really have no idea.  I pray that whatever it is will not be too awful and that I don't lose any more cognitive function, since I have far less to spare in that area than I used to!

Is it impossibly vain to add that I hope I can keep at least most of the bush residing on my head that I have so labored to grow in desert conditions?  Gray and frizzy as it is, it is mine and I am fairly inclined to keep it.

So, I will keep you posted (Get it?  Posted?  Ha ha!) after I see my new doc tomorrow.

Keep praying and know that, truly, though I am acutely sad for my family to have to experience more of this, I am at peace and always, always trust that God unfailingly gives us what we need.

(Whether we want it or not!)

So Much for All That Extra Time

Didn't I say that having help with the house would give me more time to blog?  Hmmm...  It's not really worked out like that so far.

I am so happy to have help with the never-ending laundry and ceaseless feeding of the kids that I have been busier than ever!  I have been helping the kids with their homework every night, quizzing them on vocab and for tests and, for the first time in years, really understanding what they are doing in school and sports.  I actually took Natalie to the library and have been reading to her.  I can't remember the last time I did that with one of my kids (for awhile now, I have been having the older kids read to the younger ones, truly a shame in retrospect).

I am getting ready to paint the little girls' room and have been busy attacking piles of accumulated junk around the house.  I have updated girl scout vests, spent time playing the Dora matching game, Scrabble, Club Penguin and Racko to my kids' delight.  I have taken them to the scooter store, out for ice cream and shopping when they need something specific.  I have read the books my older kids are reading so I can discuss with them and help them as needed with related assignments.  For someone who has spent much of the last year asleep and every waking moment fulfilling the basic needs of the family rather than enjoying the family, I feel as if I have a new lease on life.  There is so much to do, especially with the kids, who I almost missed grow up in my stupor.

I would be a fool if I weren't taking advantage of this extra time to sleep as needed, but I'm no fool!  I am not the same physically since my brain radiation and get terribly fatigued each afternoon.  Being able to give into that and nap, knowing that the house, dinner and the kids are being cared for is such a blessing in this regard.  When I wake up I am ready for the evening shift, altogether more cheerful than I was when I was trying to "do it all" and failing miserably.  I am most definitely counting my blessings and thank God for the resources he has provided us to be able to get me the help I need.

I have a brain scan tomorrow--nothing suspicious, just my regular three month check for malicious activity.  I am praying harder than ever that it is clear, because I am most definitely not done with my work--the only work that truly matters in the end.

Always a Student

I have learned several things this month that I thought I would share with you.  In no particular order...

First, I learned that there is such a thing as "right" and "left" socks.  Imagine my surprise when Joey, who has always been particular about his socks (I remember hours of preschool torture when his sock seam wasn't lined up properly), rejected his folded and paired socks because I put two right and two left socks together.  Seriously?!

My first reaction was, "You're kidding, right?"  Socks don't have rights and lefts, they are simply socks!  Plus, it is hard enough to keep socks for 9 people straight without adding THAT particular complication!  He looked at me like I was the dumbest person on earth (he is fourteen, you know) and set me straight immediately with an exaggerated show of pointing out the microscopic R and L printed on the toe.  I hung my head in horror when I realized that not only had I given in to buying this ridiculously overpriced brand of sock because my budding football star's feet were uncomfortable in "regular" socks, but that I had created a right and left nightmare for myself in the process.  What a dummy I am.

The second thing I learned is that school assignments are no longer turned in on actual paper.  Joey's first real high school assignment is due tomorrow, and I only just learned that it has to be submitted online through a plagiarizing-detecting website.  What?!  Back in the olden days when I was in high school, I didn't even type papers.  There was no internet to cheat off of.  There was certainly no way to check that it wasn't someone else's work.  I have now been educated that there is a whole new world of cheating now, thanks to the world wide web, and these are the lengths to which we must go to keep our kids honest.  Who'da thunk it?

The last and likely most important thing I learned this month is that I need help.  Real, extended help.  You have no idea how difficult it is for me to admit this, especially since I feel I am getting stronger every month.  Nonetheless, my amazing and ever supportive family, extended family, and friends, who have gone to great lengths to help me every day with all sorts of things ranging from rides to meal prep to laundry and endless childcare, have at last convinced me that my situation is unsustainable.  Even with my army of helpers, I fall further and further behind in my household chores and in caring for my family.  As I am finally realizing that it is statistically (not divinely) unlikely that I will ever be much stronger than I am now, I have accepted his reluctantly.

So, beginning Wednesday, I will have that help.  Through a wonderful and trusted reference, I will have someone here with me Monday through Thursday in the afternoons, when I am most tired, to help me with laundry, cooking, grocery shopping and child deliveries as needed.  This will take some burden off of those who help me so much (and aren't getting any younger, as one of my parents put it) and it will allow me to spend more time with my kids, which is what I really want to do.  I can help them with their homework, hopefully be more cheerful instead of snappy and tired, and be generally less stressed and upset about all the things I can't do.  I can say yes when my kids ask me to play board games with them or read to them because I won't be falling asleep on my feet at 7pm.  And guess what?!  I should have more energy to blog.  Let's hope!