I Must Confess...

...that I don't much like going to confession.

It is difficult to find the time to go regularly since it involves finding a babysitter for 5 children. This, by the way, is also true of doctors appointments and hair appointments, so it is not exclusively reserved for reconciliation! However, I suspect that if I enjoyed it more it would be easier to schedule.

So, why don't I enjoy it? I witness the joy and peace it gives many of those close to me and wonder, "Am I doing it wrong?"

I don't generally have a problem owning up to my faults and mistakes (OK, sins). And there are plenty of them, too, so it's not like I lack things to discuss. I do get weary of repeating the same three or four things over and over again every time I go, but I know that is humbling and part of the plan, so even that isn't a big deterrent.

I do feel marginally better when I leave confession, but not more than I do when I say an Act of Contrition on my own at the end of the day. I guess my problem is that I feel I am speaking to a man, not to God through a man. Why am I missing this?

As with all things Catholic, I believe that if I persevere I will "get" it. I advise my good friend, who jokingly refers to the "six sacraments" so much does she avoid confession, that she should continue to go. After all, the church couldn't be right about everything else but wrong about this. And I believe this to be true. But so far I cannot speak with personal conviction on the matter.

So, why write about this today? I happened to go to confession for the first time in awhile a few days ago and had an interesting experience.

First of all, my son, who had his first reconciliation in April, jumped at the chance to go when he heard I was going. He, like my husband, "gets" it. He finds comfort in this sacrament and I am so glad for him. He has already been more times in two months than I have been so far this year. This is humbling for me.

Second, because we have a large parish and several priests, I had never been to confession with this particular priest. He is an wonderful priest. I love his homilies. So, I was delighted to see him in the confessional and hoped he would have some words of wisdom for me. He did not.

I find the experience of confession to be very different depending on who hears it. I like to get a little encouragement and feedback, but this is not always the case. There is one priest in our former diocese that my husband referred to as "the drive by confessor" because of his rapidity. There is another priest that regularly has a line of an hour or more because of his gentle support and uplifting advice. But, if you are truly in tune with the purpose of confession, which is to receive God's sacramental grace, it shouldn't matter who hears it, right? But somehow, to me, it does.

Anyway, after a relatively disappointing confession experience a few days ago, I have noticed something interesting. Something that has been bothering me for months has subsided. My worry didn't go away right then, in the confessional, but the next morning when I woke up I was at peace. And three days later I still am. I have to wonder, are these two things related? Probably.

Hmmmm....