While of course I am so grateful that I have had two years, one and a half of which were almost like living a normal life, the last six months have been very, very difficult. I never knew how debilitating it could be to be so ill, day after day, not being able to care for the basic needs of my family, to be on a chemical roller coaster, to be wondering where it is all going and how much more I can take. Even knowing it is the steroids that are pulling my master strings does not help me cope much some days.
I thank God for my faith without which none of this makes sense (and, truthfully, somehow it is hard to make sense of it even with faith some days--those days are the worst). I am praying hard for strength, energy, unwavering faith and long lasting health. But most of all a cheerful heart and a strong desire to serve God however he wants each day I have.
I could not have made it through these six months without my community of friends and family and the army of meal bringers and laundry helpers and drivers. I am so hopeful I will get better and I can drive again someday soon and sing again, but until them I am learning to accept my limitations, a valuable lesson I am sure.
I know for sure that I am a daughter of God and therefore worthy of basic human dignity whether I can get off the couch or not, but I sure feel more worthy when I can take care of the needs of my family.
So, here's to another two years (and more) with better strength, health, faith and resolve. My scans look good, so here's hoping! Brain lesions be gone and stay away! Liver, hold fast. Lungs, don't even think about it!
Oh, and leg clot? I am SOOOO over you. Go away.