Sunday, February 12, 2012

Almost Got Me

To my complete delight, I am back to cantoring. A light schedule to begin with as I get my sea legs back, but ramping up to normal as we approach Lent and Easter. I honestly did not know if I would ever sing again, and I cannot describe my joy at once again being able to "pray twice" as is so often said of church singing.

When I sing, I don't just hear the words as I do when they are spoken--I FEEL them. It's hard to explain, but when I am singing at mass is when I feel closest to God, and I really, really missed that.

For a few months after my brain radiation I had a significant general tremor that seriously affected my voice. I thought after awhile that it was going to be permanent, but as the Decadron cleared my system the tremor slowly left me and I found myself able to sing more or less as before, but with a little less breath control thanks to the bout of pneumonia, I suppose.

So, the reason I am telling you all this? When I am singing, I feel almost as if I am having a conversation with God. Some songs are written from his voice and some from ours. When I am singing one from his voice, I concentrate on what he is telling me that day, and when I am singing to him, I am thinking of exactly what I am saying to him, even though the words are someone else's, technically. It is a near perfect form of prayer for me.

Today we sang a song at Communion called "Our Blessing Cup" by Bob Hurd. Anyone who regularly attends mass anywhere should know this one. Anyway, I have sung this song a hundred times but never really focused on verse four, probably because we don't always get to that verse, and my perspective on life is quite different now so it wouldn't have meant as much to me before. All I know is that when we were practicing on Thursday I could not make it through the verse without crying. Happily, I made it through just fine at mass today because I had time to prepare myself, but I was worried it was gonna "get me"!

It was as if I were in a private conversation with God in front of the whole congregation:

Verse 4: "For you have heard my voice, for you have heard my pleading. Though death surrounded me, you heard and answered me."

A brief line, but it made quite an intense connection for me, because I believe every single word.


Sarah said...

I am so happy to hear you are back to doing what you love!!! What an amazing verse. "It made me cry".
You are such a Blessing to so many people. Thank you for sharing, you made my day. Love you,

anna lisa said...

Tears for you Suzanne, thank you for opening up your soul to us. You are like gold in the fire. Praying for ever increasing strength and joy, for you, Jay and the kids.

Allaire said...

Oh Suzanne, Your beautiful voice! And now you can sing, and double pray again! What a gift! I am so very very happy for you. Happy Valentine's Day. That is such great news. Grateful, Allaire :)

Nicole said...

You did so great Suzanne!! You sang beautifully!

Bianca said...

Yay!! You are back to singing! I love to sing to God, and definitely think it is praying twice. I hope to hear you sing one day! Keep giving glory to God, and thank you for being such a beacon of faith, hope, and love to all of us. We truly see the wonders of God working through you in all ways.

irlisalisa said...

Your words gave me goosebumps! I am so glad that you're back using your incredible gifts and sharing them with the congregation!

Anonymous said...

The first time I heard you cantoring again, it reminded me of how much I missed hearing your voice on Sundays. You have the sweetest sounding voice, and I just love it! -AO

Annie Bizzi said...

What an amazing way to pronounce your joyful spirit!
Can't wait to hear you again--

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