I Think I Liked "No News" Better

Well, I met with the surgeon today. He confirmed what I already suspected, that this is a fairly aggressive cancer and that I will need a complete masectomy. He set me up with an oncologist and a PET Scan so they can assess whether or not the cancer has spread outside of the breast. He saw nothing that indicated to him that it has spread, so I am hopeful.

Chemo is in my future, potentially both before and after the surgery. I am ridiculously and superficially concerned about losing my hair, as if it really matters that much. It will grow back. Still, the kids are going to be merciless with the bald jokes...

I have an appointment with UCLA tomorrow for a second opinion. We liked the surgeon we met today just fine but it seems a second opinion for something this major is in order. They may recommend a different course, in which case we will need to make some decisions.

I am overwhelmed by gratitude for the prayers, support and help I have received from far and near. Especially I am grateful for my church and school community who are mobilizing in an unbelievable way to help us through this. Words cannot express my heartfelt thanks.

Keep praying! It's going to be a long road, but I'm determined to beat this.

Not What We Hoped For

Here we go...

I have cancer. I can't actually believe it yet but it seems to be true. I will know more tomorrow after I meet with the surgeon.

Thank you for your continued prayers, they are what's holding me together.

Seven for Seven

It's official! Now that Joey is down, there is no one left in my house to catch the flu...except me, but since I don't intend to get it I am declaring that in 24 hours we will be DONE.

Here's to dubious achievements!

No News Is Good News, Right?

Well, it's not bad news, at any rate. It's just no news.

The doctor's office called and said, hopefully, I will know something Monday. The pathologist hasn't signed off on the sample yet, though it has been on his desk all afternoon. Of course I'm full of crazy ideas about why that might be, but that's just my imagination.

So, thanks for worrying along with me. I'll let you know as soon as I know.

A Good Distraction

If you need to distract yourself from any of life's difficult situations, may I suggest this trick which is currently working very well for me.

Have your family contract the stomach flu, watch them go down one by one like dominos, and eye your few remaining children as if they were ticking time bombs. Watch your husband go down along with them.

I am finding this an extremely effective distraction on this day when I most desperately need one. So, gifts sometimes do come in very strange packages.

The Unthinkable

There is something wrong with my breast.

For several months a dense mass has been developing. At first I thought it must be related to breastfeeding, some kind of mastitis. During the summer Natalie started refusing the affected breast, so for the last several months I only fed her on one side. I thought this odd but wasn't particularly alarmed since I know some babies do this for no reason at all.

In September I went for an Ultrasound. They could not do a mammogram because I was still nursing and the milk makes it unclear. The tech said she really couldn't see anything but could definitely feel the mass so I should come back for a mammogram when I was finished nursing.

I began to wean Natalie shortly after this, in anticipation of a mammogram. It was a little earlier than I would have liked, but I felt that I should not let this situation continue unchecked.

I went for my mammogram last week. It showed "architechtural abormalities", skin thickening and calcification, none of which are good to have, but no specific mass, so the radiologist ordered an MRI and a biopsy. The MRI confirmed and pinpointed areas of suspicion.

I have just returned from the biopsy and am now waiting until Friday when there should be a preliminary report on the pathology of the samples they extracted today.

No one seems to know exactly what this might be. It is suspicious, but not a clear-cut cancer. On a scale of 1-5, 1 being clearly benign and 5 being clearly cancer, the radiologist rated my "spots" a 4. She also said that if it is cancer, it is an agressive one given how fast things are changing. Not something you want to hear.

On a more positive note, she mentioned a rare, benign condition called "granulomatous mastitis" which seems to fit my symptoms nearly exactly. It shows up in women generally within 18 months of a pregnancy. It is still not a good thing as it requires major surgical intervention, but at least it is not cancer. I am in the strange position of hoping that this is what I have.

I write this today asking for your prayers for a positive outcome to all of this. I think that whatever the outcome, I have a bit of a journey ahead of me and I am greatly comforted by my friends and family, even those of you who read this blog and have never met me personally.

I am grateful most of all for my faith, which remains strong and gives me peace. I am certain God is firmly in charge of this situation and will not give me more than I can handle.

I will post the outcome when I receive it, hopefully Friday. In the meantime, please think positively for me!

It's All in How You Phrase It

We were all sitting around the dinner table the other night when Julia burped. Loudly, without restriction.

Now, Jay and I are soft in many areas (sweets, TV, for example) but table manners is not one of them, so we reacted immediately.

I said, incredulously, "Julia, did you just BURP at the dinner table?" in my best "How Could You!" tone, while Jay shot his famous "Dad is Disappointed with You" glare.

She looked up innocently and said, "No!"

"What was that, then?" I asked skeptically.

"Just air coming out of my mouth," she replied without missing a beat.

When the hysterical laughter burst out around the table I knew my chances for discipline were slipping. When Jay and I couldn't help joining the laughter, they were completely dashed.

Hint Taken

Okay, okay, here are the photos of the kids in their costumes...I can take a hint!

Lindsey the Eskimo carried Pooh Bear Bella all around her school's carnival. It was very sweet.


Sam the hot dog...

Sam was nice enough to loan Tony his football gear so he could be an official player, just like his big brothers.

Julia was a beautiful flamenco dancer.

And here are the girls dressed for the All Saints Day mass at school. Lindsey is Mary and Julia is St. Rachel the Matriarch. Not sure Mary ever wore black sneakers under her mantle, but, hey, she probably didn't have P.E. in the middle of her afternoon, either.

Joey did not really "do" Halloween this year, so no photo of him. He wore his football pads to school and went trick or treating as "the Ultimate Steelers fan" in his Jersey and belt.

I never even dressed Natalie in her clown costume. Some mom I am! She is just so wiggly and drooly that I opted for practical, regular clothes. Clearly she is the seventh child, poor deprived thing!

Hope everyone had a very Happy Halloween...and Merry All Saints Day!

Something in the Air

I have heard many legends of crazed parents coming out of the woodwork at children's sporting events. You know the ones...those who scream and shout and insult and seem to ache for a confrontation with someone, anyone. Yet, I have never really seen any of these parents in action. Until today. And today, they were out in spades. Maybe it was because it is Halloween. Or, maybe we just ran into everyone in the valley who happened to be in a bad mood. Whatever it was, it made for spicy sporting events!

It started at Julia's soccer game this morning. It began as a nice game, from our team's perspective, anyway. We were winning, 7-0 when a girl on the other team started shoving our girls. I don't mean pushing them casually during play. I mean really shoving them whenever they got near her to guard her, whether the ball was in her vicinity or not. At first there were just a few "hey!" type comments from our parents, and the assistant coach asked her, very nicely, to please stop pushing. It persisted until our coach asked her coach to remove her from the game. This request caused the other team's coach to come unglued (apparently, it was her daughter). She was not at all happy with the score and began blaming our coaches for not telling our girls to back off and let them have some goals. Seriously? This is a competitive sport, is it not?!

Things devolved extremely quickly. When the other team's coach refused to remove her daughter from the game (or even correct her) our coach eventually called the game, refusing to allow play to continue under those conditions. A literal swarm of parents came and physically confronted our coach and her husband. I, who never get involved in anything like this, actually stepped in the middle and was one of several parents pulling them apart. One mom was saying, "How dare you talk to our players!" as if we should really, truly not say anything when one of their players was physically assaulting our players. Truly unbelieveable.

However, I, who am not nearly as much of a soccer fan as I am a football fan, found this to be one of the most interesting, engaging soccer games I have ever attended, so I guess every situation has it's positive points.

This spirit of confrontation followed us to Joey's football game where it was my very own husband who found himself in the middle of an altercation. Jay counts plays for Joey's team and usually watches the game from the other team's sideline, where he is most often stationed. His job is to make sure that the other team is honest about how many plays each team member logs during a game, to be sure every player is played at least 10 plays. He has done this job many times and has never had a problem (although he has often reported how lucky we are in our coaching staff relative to the mess that are some other teams in our league).

As he always does, Jay was cheering for Joey when he made some especially good pops. The opposing team's coaches told Jay to shut up and accused him of "coaching" Joey from the sidelines. He was absolutely not doing that, just cheering and encouraging him to block his man, so he gave those coaches a little feedback that let them know in no uncertain terms that it was his right and duty to cheer for his own kid and that he was going to continue to do so. Three very large coaches pushed him back and started screaming at him. Jay held his ground and ultimately told them to count their own plays, returning to our side. After a brief investigation by the president of the league, Jay was well supported. Even the other team's team mom said that Jay was not the problem, that he had been nice the whole time. Nevertheless, he wisely remained on our side for the rest of the game. In what I thought to be a totally classy move on his part, Jay made of point of shaking hands with the worst offender coach after the game when he passed him in the parking lot.


What on earth is going on here? Should we not cheer for our children, no matter where in the field we are? Should we not demand that players play fair and follow rules of conduct for a game? There are bullies everywhere who will run you over if you don't stand your ground.

And it seems we ran into every one of them today.


(And, by the way, this ends regular season play for our boys. Joey's team is undefeated with a bye for the first week of playoffs and Sam's team has just one loss. Playoffs, here we come!)

My Daily Dose of Reality

Tony ( while hugging me): You're the best mom EVER!

Me (all excited): Really?

Tony: Well, actually, there are some that are better than you, but you are better than some others.

Thanks, Tony, for keeping it real.

Not Too Shabby

Lindsey's cheer squad took second place in today's cheerleading competition. It was really, really close between her team and the squad that won...I'm glad I wasn't judging it because they were both so good!

I think Lindsey's routine was a little tighter (more in sync), but the Highland squad had four really good tumblers (as opposed to one on Lindsey's team) so that part was quite impressive. At any rate, it was my first cheer competition and, all in all, pretty fun to watch. I especially enjoyed seeing the boys from the teams hand out roses to the girls after competition (including Joey and Sam). They practically ran eachother over to get to the girl each preferred to give a rose to.

Last night we hosted the pre-competition hair party for the girls and, my goodness, was that a scene! 12 giggling, screaming girls getting curlers in place with Joey and Sam looking like they couldn't quite believe their own good fortune to have a house full of cheerleaders. Joey actually asked if he could invite his team over in order to increase his social capital (not in so many words, but you get the idea...).

It was definitely nice to see Lindsey, who often feels overshadowed by the football players, have her day in the sun...and, boy, did she shine.

Another of Life's "Good News-Bad News" Situations

Well, my washing machine is broken. Again.

It has served me well over the last 10 years, washing on average 12-15 loads per week. It was visited by the repair man several months ago, and has been on borrowed time ever since. So, as it wheezed its last gasp yesterday, I decided to officially take it off of life support and say goodbye.

This was much easier than it sounds.

In fact, it was with a light heart and a skip in my step that I raced off to choose a new washing machine, knowing with certainty that it really was a necessary purchase and not at all premature. It is a sad testament to how much of my time is spent in the laundry room that I actually relished searching through the feature sets and price points, narrowing my choices according to my washing needs. It is a reflection of my reality that I made my choice in less than 20 minutes, came home and read all the reviews, prices and comparisons, and then went back two hours later to seal the deal. In the laundry arena, I have no time to waste with indecision. The purchase was made about 6 hours after the machine went down, and those of you who know me well know that I like to take days to weeks to make a decision like this!

At any rate, I can't wait to greet my new machine on Thursday. In the meantime, I actually get a few days off from laundry (thank goodness I was caught up when it went down, or I'd be in trouble!).

What shall I do with all my spare time?!!

Working Girl

For the first time in 10 years, I am earning and contributing some money to our household! Granted, it is a very nominal amount but, even so, it feels great.

Regular cantors at our church are paid a modest stipend, and I am singing nearly every Sunday now...hence the paycheck. I never would have thought I could earn money for doing something I love so much.

I suppose as time goes by, the hours of preparation and extra masses I attend may begin to feel more like work, but for now I am in the happy position of doing something I love and calling it a job.

As I was doing my "job" this morning at the 6:45 am mass (OK, maybe I SHOULD be paid for getting up that early) I had the pleasure of seeing the morning sun break through the stained glass window and cast its rays right on the altar. As I "worked", I experienced the joy of serving alongside my daughter, who served as the book bearer for the mass (OK, maybe I should be paid for getting HER up that early!).

How tedious could work be that requires you to proclaim the word of God in song? That forces you to listen to different priests reflect in totally unique and inspiring ways on the same gospel? That allows you to sit peacefully for stretches just outside of the tabernacle?

Nope, it's not too tough at all.

(Don't tell them, but I would totally do it for free.)

Bursting With Pride

Those of you who are easily nauseated should skip this post, for I am going to shamelessly boast about my eldest child.

For a number of years, Joey had a difficult time in school (with academics, never behavior). In addition, he had trouble finding an extracurricular activity that he had a knack for. These things combined seriously shook his self-confidence and resulted in Jay and I being very worried about him.

Everything is different now, and I am so grateful.

This morning, I attended a sixth grade awards assembly at Joey's school where he was selected as the first "Student of the Month" for his class of 32. There is only one per month so it is not an honor everyone receives during the year, by any means.

Last year Joey also made student of the month (twice, actually) but was selected by his resource teacher, not his regular classroom teacher. Today's recognition was what he had been hoping for, to be chosen by his primary teacher.

Listening to her talk about why she chose Joey, I heard her describing the child every parent dreams of. Consistently works hard in school, is always pleasant and willing, tries again when he doesn't get something right the first time. To frost my cake, Joey's other teacher (they switch between two classes in sixth grade to prepare them for Jr. High) came up to Jay and I after the assembly and said that she, too, would have chosen Joey if he had been in her homeroom. She echoed the sentiments of his primary teacher...and she is his language arts teacher, his weakest subject!

Two or three years ago Jay and I would have paid anything, made any sacrifice, to have a conversation like that with his teacher, yet today we had it.

On the extracurricular front, Joey has also made amazing progress. This week, he got "promoted" to the higher offense in football in recognition of his great personal improvement over this first half of the season. He is hitting hard and making his blocks more and more consistently. He is now playing defense too, where his job is to sack the quarterback. Yesterday, to his utter surprise, he actually reached him for the first time (against the best offense in the league). It was clear to everyone that it would be the first of many for him. He also, for the first time, got to play QB for a few snaps yesterday. He was so jazzed. That would not have happened a year ago.

Further, we are coming into snowboarding season, the sport where Joey was naturally gifted from his very first run down the mountain. With all his new gear (gratis from the wonderful 686 company) he is going to be a sight. I am so glad for him.

None of this success would mean a thing to us if he weren't also a really great person. He has a good conscience and is reliable. He is funny and fun to be with. I trust him.

How blessed we are to see our child, after many prayers, transform into all we knew he could be. There is no greater joy than witnessing your child, especially one who has struggled so, experience success born from hard work.

Yes, it is a good time for his parents.

P.S. The other kids are doing really well too! More on them another time...

An Insult Only A Catholic Kid Could Come Up With

Lindsey: When I get to heaven, my guardian angel will be my best friend!

Joey: No she won't, she'll get assigned to someone else. You know, your guardian angel used to be someone else's.

Lindsey: Nuh -Uh!

Joey: Face it, your guardian angel is refurbished!

So Very 8-Year-Old-Boy

For those of you who may not know (since I haven't posted in so long), I am homeschooling Sam this year. I am absolutely loving my time with him, as I am getting to know him and his delightful personality so much better through our time together.

Today I took Sam to our Catholic Homeschool Group's President's Physical Fitness Day in the park. They basically drill the kids a couple times a month over a few months to prepare them to hit the PE goals of this program, like doing a certain number of situps in a minute and hitting running goals, pushup goals, etc.

At the situp station, the kids were paired up. One child did situps while the other held the knees and counted. The kids were all very interested in how many situps they could complete in their time allotment and competition was high, especially among the boys.

When it was Sam's turn, he eagerly attacked his situps, obviously trying to be the rooster of the group. He was giving it his all, throwing himself into each situp while his partner held his knees and kept his count, at first out loud and then silently, at the request of the moderator.

I noticed about 30 seconds in that Sam's partner was looking off into the distance. Must be really concentrating, I thought. Good, because Sam was really flopping himself up and down in his frantic effort to be situp king.

When the moderator called time, Sam heaved himself on the mat, exhausted, and asked eagerly, "How many did I do?"

His partner looked confused and did not answer. The moderator said, "You DID count Sam's situps, right?"

The answer was not even apologetic; rather it stated a simple fact: "No, not really."

You have GOT to love 8 year old boys.

Apologies

Thanks to those of you who have written to see if I'm OK, as I have not posted in forever. Yes, we are all fine!

My computer has been on a slow decline for a number of months. It finally reached the point where it became so slow and buggy that I quit using it nearly altogether, especially now that I live by my iPhone for most things I might have used my computer for. However, I cannot blog to my satisfaction on my iPhone, so I simply have not been blogging.

The good news is that I am typing this from my new computer which my family purchased for me for my birthday. I am totally excited by how fast it is but am still figuring out Vista and getting all my old files transfered over...some more succesfully than others.

So bear with me, and thanks to you if you are even still reading this sleepy blog. I am not intending to abandon it!

Fire

The Station Fire is not far from us. For the past two days, the sky has been an awesome and terrible reminder of the battle raging only a few miles away.

Ash is drifting down on us like snow--Joey's football game got called at the half yesterday for air quality concerns. We all had to shake the flakes off of our clothes, out of our cups and even off the car windshield wipers, where it likes to pile.

There is an eerie and beautiful light to the day, capped off by amazing glimpses of a totally red sun. How ironic it is that disaster creates such beauty.

Our thoughts and prayers are with those who have lost their homes, and especially with the families of the two firefighters killed this afternoon. May this beast be contained quickly and deftly.

Silly Me

So, I'm watching Joey's scrimmage game last week when Lindsey comes up to me and tells me that Tony is kicking people. (He is playing with a group of off-duty cheerleaders and various siblings of players.)

I call him over and proceed to have this enlightening conversation with him:

Me: What's going on? I hear you're kicking people.

Tony, with total wide-eyed innocence: Not EVERYone.

Oh. Well. Then I guess we're OK. How silly of me to be concerned, because clearly there is no problem here! So glad he set me straight.

A Valid Concern

Tomorrow Jay and I are flying to San Antonio with Tony, Bella and Natalie.

While I was tucking the kids in tonight, I was explaining how to behave on a plane...how not to bother the other passengers, etc.

After hearing the list of basic courtesies, Tony looked skeptically at his sister and said, "I think Bella is going to make all the other passengers jump right out of the plane."

I am actually entertaining this possibility. Wish us luck!